Your face is a jimmy john
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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