sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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