it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
