i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
