Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
