Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
