someone threw a dead crab at me
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
