oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
