U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
