To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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