I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
