She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
