Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
