So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
high people should be assigned attendants
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
