Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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