I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
