Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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