smell my finger.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
