Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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