I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
