So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize