I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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