So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
