I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just threw up on my dentist
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
