why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
