i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
