I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
