i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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