Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
