The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
