not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
