When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Randomize
