I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
