You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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