he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
