Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
