He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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