if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
