they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
