i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
