I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
