please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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