i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Randomize
