I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
