Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
