The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
