You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
