so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
