so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
