It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
